


Black Star

by Clio_Codex



Series: Wandering Stars [10]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27235153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clio_Codex/pseuds/Clio_Codex
Summary: "It had been three days since he’d told her everything.  Maybe not everything but certainly the dirtiest part of himself that he had to share, the truth about what he was or rather had been.She’d not been shocked.  He’d expected her to be it seemed, expected that she’d send him away or worse.  And maybe she should have.  But when he told her the worst of it, she’d just wanted to touch his face or hold him close, wanted to tell him that it was the past and done and didn’t matter.That was a lie of course.  You can’t run from your past or your sins.  She should know."A quick scene of what happens after Atton drops the truth about his past.
Relationships: Atton "Jaq" Rand/Meetra Surik, Female Jedi Exile/Atton "Jaq" Rand
Series: Wandering Stars [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952851
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	Black Star

**Author's Note:**

> I hesitated to write this much less share it because there are so many good Meetra/Atton fics already in the world but...well...it happened. Sorry not sorry?? 
> 
> Also this may have come to be after some binge listening of Radiohead's The Bends which thematically is pretty fitting for this pair I think.

“ The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you….” ~Radiohead, “Black Star”

It had been three days since he’d told her everything.Maybe not everything but certainly the dirtiest part of himself that he had to share, the truth about what he was or rather had been. 

She’d not been shocked.He’d expected her to be it seemed, expected that she’d send him away or worse.And maybe she should have.But when he told her the worst of it, she’d just wanted to touch his face or hold him close, wanted to tell him that it was the past and done and didn’t matter. 

That was a lie of course.You can’t run from your past or your sins.She should know.

On the second day after he’d told her the worst, he’d asked her if she’d train him, said he wanted to do whatever he could to protect her and that maybe if he knew how to use the Force that she felt running through him that he could.She’d hesitated, whether because she doubted her ability to teach him or something else she wasn’t sure.In the end she’d said yes, wanting to ease the sadness in his eyes, wanting to fix his brokenness.The yes didn’t help though.He’d smiled but not with his eyes, just seemed determined to get something right.

That night she’d not slept, just tossed and turned and finally gave up, wanting to understand why she’d hesitated, why he was sad.Why was it so fucking complicated? She’d tried to meditate, sitting alone in the cargo hold, in the dark, trying to reach for the Force and answers, finding only frustration.Instead she went for a walk, returning just as daylight was breaking, laying bare the scum and sorrow of Nar Shaddaa.

By afternoon she realized he’d been gone most of the day and that he’d pointedly avoided her since she’d agreed to train him.That made two of them, of course, doing the avoiding. If she was supposed to be worthy of _master_ , she’d have to get past whatever it was giving her pause.“I’m going to find Atton,” she’d shouted over her shoulder at no one in particular as she’d left the Hawk and headed for where she thought he might be.

She was right.

He was sitting alone at the end of the bar, shuffling Pazaak cards and smoking, two empty glasses and a full ashtray already at his elbow.“Want some company?,”she asked, not waiting for an answer before sitting beside him.

He didn’t look at her when he answered, “Depends on what you are offering, Surik.” _Gods_ that smart ass tone of his.Sometimes she wanted to smack him, but lately it was more like wanting to shut him up another way….and that was the problem, wasn’t it?

“Well, what do you want?” _Shit._ She’d not meant to say that, especially not with that voice that wanted to be seductive but was probably mostly ridiculous. 

But he laughed so maybe it was ok, “Not sure what I want matters much.”No, not ok because the sadness was in his voice just underneath that cocky veneer.Not sure why it had taken her so long to realize the whole thing was a front, just a way for him to hide.

“Matters to me.”That she’d meant.He didn’t respond, so she signaled for another round for him and a first for her.She was jealous of the Pazaak cards, both because she needed something to occupy her hands and because….well, it was hard to not imagine what else those long fingers might be good at doing. _Foolish_.And then she knew that she didn’t want to train him because that would mean giving him up…and if there was something to give up, that meant admitting that she wanted there to be more than just flirting between them.

As though he sensed her thoughts (and maybe he had) he asked, “So, when do the lessons start.Now a good time?”She thought maybe he was forcing himself to sound happy about the prospect.

“Is that what you want?”

“Told you what I want doesn’t matter so much, Surik.”He was still staring at the Pazaak cards.“But I do want to be useful, so, yeah, guess that’s what I want.”

“And I told you it does matter.You have to want this, but not because of me.”

He looked at her then, “Fine, then I want this.”His face was blank, but his eyes burned.

She should tell him, no, tell him she’d changed her mind and that this was all wrong, that she didn’t want to be a Jedi much less make him one.But she didn’t.“Want what?”She wanted to touch him, but didn’t do that either.

He made an angry face then, “Stop talking in circles.Train me.Or if you aren’t going to, then tell me now.”He took his drink and added more softly, “Still think I should go.Better off without me.”

“Is that what you want, to go?”

“Damnit, Surik.I told you already I want to fight for you, help you if I can.But I’m pretty fucked up. And no, I don’t want to be a Jedi, not really.But I’ll do it…for you.” He looked back at his glass. 

“I don’t want you to do it for me, Atton.”She dared to touch his arm then, just barely, just enough to say, _I’m right here_ and _please don’t run from me_.“I’m not even a Jedi anymore, not really, you know that.But you do have talents and I…”

He slammed his glass then, gave an ugly laugh, “Yeah, I’ve got talents, Surik.Real good at killing.” He stared at her hard.“Killing Jedi especially.Want me to tell you again how I did it?”

“Stop.”

He kept going.“Want me to tell you again how I knew just how to push the right buttons, get them all twisted up in their own minds so they were begging for death in the end?” He was leaning towards her, a dark angry look on his face, that other thing still in his eyes.“Or I could tell you….”

“I said stop.” She cut him off with her fingers at his lips, felt a jolt in her gut at the contact between them.“We’ve already gone over this.I know what you did.You know what I did.It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters.”

“Why?Because you want me to hate you?”

He didn’t say anything for a while, just looked at her with those burning eyes.“Yeah, that’d be easier.”His voice was barely a whisper.

Hers felt too thick.“Can’t do that, Rand.Sorry.” 

They dropped it there for a time, just drank in silence, watched people come and go.After a while he jumped up, “Gotta hit the ‘fresher and then I’m out.You coming?”He cocked a brow, that wall back up again.

“To the ‘fresher?”Nothing to do but flirt back.

He smiled and shook his head.“That what you want, Surik?”

“How about I just meet you outside.”

She wasn’t sure where they were going, not back to the Hawk, directly anyway.They walked for a while, talking about nothing important, both avoiding what had happened before. They stopped by the railing overlooking the refugee quarter.In the dark and from a distance, it almost looked peaceful.You could imagine the twinkling lights were campfires, almost believe that the people sleeping below must be happy. 

“Smoke?”

“You know I don’t.Why do you keep asking?”She was leaning on the rail, looking up at him. _Did you just bat your lashes?_

“Maybe I just want an excuse to touch your face.”He was leaning in, the unlit cigarette hanging from his lips.

“Do you mean something by that?Or is that just your cheap flirting again, Rand?”She knew what she wanted the answer to be.Knew it didn’t make sense.

He put up his hands in mock surrender, backed just slightly towards the wall.The street was surprisingly quiet for Nar Shaddaa, maybe it was the late hour, or maybe the locals just had better sense and were inside somewhere avoiding the thick, stinking haze that had settled as the evening wore on. 

She took the unlit cigarette from his mouth, felt that heat in gut rise as her hand grazed his chin. “You gonna answer?” She was close enough to see the something like sadness back in his eyes despite the dim light. _Shit._ That’s not where she wanted it to go. _You really should drop this_.Should but couldn’t.

It would be so easy to step closer, to say she wanted him to mean it and that she had for weeks, that it had started like a game, but turned into something real.Or she could just kiss him.He wouldn’t say no; he’d kiss her back and maybe that would chase that sadness from his eyes and from hers, too.But, no.Not like this, too selfish.

She thought about other times she’d jumped at something, the twice before she’d gone for a kiss offered for the wrong reasons, the terrible places that had led.The first time it had happened because the thing was forbidden.The second time because she had felt herself breaking.But now, now she was whole and herself and could want for her own happiness, but should she?

She forced herself to turn away, to start walking back towards the relative safety of the Hawk where the presence of the others might keep her from doing something foolish. 

His fingers wrapped around her wrist as she did, pulled her back to face him in the shadow of the wall.He took her other hand too, lacing his fingers in hers.“I don’t know how to answer that, Surik.”His voice was soft, had lost the cocky tone from before.“Whatever I say is going to be the wrong thing.I should let you walk away, ought to give you push, but….”The corner of his mouth just barely curled up, “but I don’t want you to go.”

They were close enough that if she just tipped her face, he might kiss her.He smelled like the cantina, whiskey and ash, and some other scent that was just Atton that begged her to bury her face in the crook of his neck to drink of it deeply. 

Their hands were still clasped. 

She felt her face go blank, not knowing what to show as she spoke, “Ok, I’m not walking away.”

“No, you’re not.”And then there was just this flicker of some other thing in his eye that pushed away the sadness for a moment.Desire?Hope?It was enough to tip her over the edge, a slow motion fall where she let go of his hands to bring her lips to the underside of his jaw, rested her head against his shoulder, her hands against his chest.She could feel his pulse racing against her cheek as she sank into his warmth.“This may not be your best idea, Surik.”

His mouth said that but his hands said _I want you_ , one firm at the small of her back, the other tangling in her hair, pulling her close. She forced herself to plant her feet, resisting the urge to rock her hips close.

“Why not?” Her lips brushed under his jaw in something like a kiss as she spoke.She felt him swallow.

“Because I’m a disaster.”

“So am I. Try again.”

“Because I’m a runner.” 

She drew back to look at him then, weighing what she wanted against his words.“I’ve been running for years, not even sure what from, Rand.”She knew she was tipping her head now in invitation, gave in to pull her hips to his.“Who says we have to run alone?” 

He tasted like he smelled, whiskey and cigarettes and that thing that must just be Atton… and _gods_ she wanted more.Their first kisses were soft, like they were afraid they might break this thing between them, but when she caught his lip in her teeth they turned hot and hungry.Her hands found the hem of his shirt trailed up the bare skin of his back.His lips broke from hers, ran down her neck and up again, her name a needy whisper in her ear.“Meetra….”

Her hands were at his front now, undecided whether to go up or down, settling for knocking his shirt and jacket askew as she kissed him hard.She had to resist the urge to drop lower, to replace her hands with her mouth on his chest, remembering they were on a public street even if it was Nar Shaadda and a shit part of town.Between kisses she managed to stutter, “We need to go…somewhere.”

He pushed back, only a bit, taking her hands to clasp between them as he rested his forehead on hers.“You sure about this?”

“I want you, Atton.I want this.I…Do you think I’ve not thought about this?”He kissed her then, long and slow.

When he pulled away again, he smiled softly and took her hand.“Ok, come on then.”She followed. She meant to watch where they were going, but found herself lost in the feel of his hand in hers, the way his fingers moved just so slightly against her own as if to say _soon_ and _I want you too_.

They were at a cheap hotel; at least it wasn’t a pay-by-the-hour place.The room was small, but decently clean so far as she could see in the low light. They’d held hands the whole way here, nothing more, but had moved apart when they entered the room.

He scratched the back of his head, tried to look unconcerned. “So this like a quick fuck or did you have something else in mind?”He’d found a cigarette again, went to light it.

Nope, they’d come this far; wasn’t going to go that way.“Thought we were done with games, Rand.”She took the cigarette and his light, tossed them aside, pushed him down on the bed.

He put his hands under his head.“Your move then.” 

“I want to know why you are always hiding from me.”She straddled his hips, pushed his jacket off, her eyes demanding an answer.“It’s just me, Atton.And, no, I don’t want a quick fuck.”That made him blush she thought. 

“Not hiding any more than you.”He slipped a single finger under the hem of her shirt, tickled at her waist.“You’re afraid, too.”

He was right, of course.“I’m afraid everyday, Atton.I don’t know what the hell I’m doing half the time.Don’t want to do it anyway.I fucked up and got kicked off the grid for it, deserved it too.”She sighed and bit her lip, watching his face for a reaction.“And now I found you….and I don’t want to train you because I don’t want to fuck you up…don’t want to have to give you up either.”She ran her hands up under his shirt, still untucked from before, wanting the reassurance of his warmth under her hands.

“Give me up?”

She’d said too much.“Because I…I already told you I want you, Atton.But if I train you, then this…we aren’t supposed to….” 

“You mean because Jedi aren’t supposed to do this?”

“Yeah.And now I just made it worse, didn’t I?”

He was smiling at her though, his eyes burning again.“Yet here we are, Surik.”He ran his hands up her thighs and to her waist.“And I don’t want to hide from you anymore.Maybe…maybe we just make our own rules here.”

“I want that….” She let herself fall forward to meet him, nipped at his jaw, felt his heart pounding under her hands.“Besides, I’m not really a Jedi,” she kissed his neck, “and when I was, pretty sure I was a crappy one.”She laughed into her kiss.

“Wait.You’ve done this before?” He pushed her back.

She lifted one brow.“Disappointed?”

“No, why would I be?”

“Dunno.But at least I know what I’m doing I think.”At that she gave a wicked grin and bent to kiss him again, rocking her hips into his as she did.He groaned low in response, pushed his hands up the back of her shirt, and kissed her back hard.“What do you want, Atton?”She’d worked off his shirt, ran her tongue along his throat.

“Fuck, Meetra.”His voice was thick with wanting her, the sadness in his eyes replaced with desire.“You are what I want, you know?The rest….I just want to get this part right.”

She sat up and pulled off her shirt, watched his eyes widen as he ran his hands along her sides, marveled at the way his bare skin felt against hers. “Then we’ll sort the rest out later.”She gave in to her earlier urge to explore his chest and midriff with her mouth, kissing at every scar she found along the way. His hands ran gently in her hair as she did.

When she reached his belt, he stopped her and pushed them both up to sitting.“You said this wasn’t a quick fuck, remember?”He wore a devilish grin. _Shit._ It was his turn to run kisses across her bare skin as he pushed off her bra, teased his tongue at the hollow of her neck. _“_ I’ve been thinking,” his teeth grazed a nipple, “thinking about,” his tongue flicked at the other, “about all the things I want to do to you, Meetra.” Then he was looking at her again, holding her face so gently.“Only if you want me to.”

Surely, she looked utterly hopeless in her wanting.Her hands laid over his, their fingers lacing.“I want you to, Atton.”He kissed her gently, then, whispering her name over and over. The realization that he wanted her for no other reason than because she was herself, stole her breath, drove her hands into his hair to tug him close.She fell back on the bed, pulling him after her.

By the time he’d worked his way to down to her waist, she was already half gone between her want and his touches.He stopped again, asking her permission to continue.“Don’t stop.”He worked off her pants then trailed kisses back up the inside of her leg.By the time he ran his tongue up the crease of her thigh, ending with a nip at the top of her hip, she was whining his name.

He stopped then to look up at her, trailing a finger in her curls.“You’ve done this before,” he grinned.“What do you want?”

 _Fuck._ “I…” Words were hard.“I…no one has ever asked that before.”He was watching her, just dipping that finger closer with each swirl.“Atton…just…do something, please.I trust you.”And she did. 

His fingers kept swirling and dipping as he nipped at her thigh, watching her still. When his mouth replaced his fingers and his fingers dipped inside her, she lost track of time.She grabbed at his hair and shoulders, looking for something to anchor to, felt the hum of his pleased laugh as she bucked and moaned and came undone.

He kissed his way back up her flank, landing beside her wearing a cocky smirk.But there was something soft about it, maybe because he kept saying her name and touching her face.“You drive me crazy, Meetra Surik.Only fair I return the favor.” 

She tried to make a commanding face, “Fair?Then, you need to lose the pants, Rand.”

“If you insist.” Somehow he managed to kiss her as he did, returning to lay beside her once he had.“Now what?”

She rolled him back over, locking her knees around his hips.“Guess we are back where we started?”Her hands drifted slowly around his face and shoulders, down his chest.“Although with considerably less between us.”

The fire in her core flared again at the feel of him and the look of dazed wonder on his face. Her hands worked back down his body, fingers teasing at him before wrapping around him as she kissed him hard, all tongues and teeth and wanting.“Meetra….”The way he said her name….no more waiting then.

For a moment they were just still, locked in each other, faces just barely touching. When she rocked her hips ever so gently, she felt his flare of pleasure through the Force, something that had never happened with her other lovers.“You’re doing a good job with the driving me crazy part, Rand,” she murmured.

He pushed them back up to sit on the edge of the bed, leaving her straddling his lap, her arms and legs wound tight around him. He was mouthing her neck, still whispering her name as they rocked, harder now.She made sounds that weren’t words, hoped he understood.When she broke the second time, she felt again his pleasure in the Force; it was almost too much, the sudden intensity of something more than just the physicality of their release.He shuddered into her soon after, biting at her shoulder as he did. 

They fell back on to the bed, legs still entwined, kissing lazily for a bit, running slow hands across the paths they’d mapped before, something far from sadness in their eyes. She wondered at this thing, wanting someone because they wanted you, because they made you want to be better than you knew you were. 

After a while he broke the silence, “If all our training sessions are like this Surik, I’m going to get very good very fast.”She laughed at that, feeling just happy and sure for the first time ever. _Maybe we just make our own rules._ He’d offered her that and more, she thought.Maybe it just wasn’t complicated after all.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want more spicy Meetra & Atton, check out my series "Undress Your Eyes" ;)


End file.
